My Review Of The Bowflex SelectTech 1090 Dumbells

I spat a giant wad of spit right into Satan’s eye.

“Never, you bastard!” I struggled against the chains and threw him a sneer of pure malice… and desperation. “I’ll never go back to writing Amazon reviews!”

“You WILL write this review,” he droned, wiping his eye and stuffing it in his pocket. “You won’t even be paid.”

“Or what?”

“Look, kid.” He reached out of the pocket, his red right hand smoking with… a keyboard. “You can write this with a keyboard, or you can write it in blood.”

Obviously, I started typing.

===

Maybe you’re too busy to get in shape, but want to spend money on something shiny so your wife will get off your back. Or maybe you’re really ready to commit to getting in shape, but you don’t want to walk alllll the way across the room to use something in a gym.
Either way, you’re reading this Amazon review online instead of actually going to a gym. There are literally hundreds of products ready to give you all the convenience of working at home – at about 12 times the price of a gym membership.

And I found the exact thing you need to buy. It’s called the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell. This thing is so important that I’m going to refer to the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell, by its full name, in headers, in bullet points, and everywhere else I can squeeze it in.
Have a seat, tubbs.

Bowflex is about to rock your face off.

Creation Of The Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell

Bowflex has been in business for like, a hundred years or something man. Those commercials have been on TV longer than I’ve been alive. But (and this is important, man) the people at Bowflex HAVEN’T GIVEN UP. You think that at some point these guys at Bowflex would clink their bottles of Crown Royal together and go:

“Treadmills? Check. Barbells? Check. Elliptical? Check. Well, we’ve made everything that needs making, and we’ve done it at the best quality possible, so now it’s up to the individual to use these tools to better themselves as much as possible.”

NO WAY. They’re always thinking of ways to serve you better.

"Squeeze it in."

“Squeeze it in.”

Features Of The Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell

They’ve got like… adamantium or something on the inside this time. And Google Maps. And you can plug it into an iPhone…
Okay, you can’t plug the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 into an iPhone. YET. But really, look at this thing. It’s like a prop from a sci-fi movie.

Buy this thing and you can imagine you’re an extra in Star Trek instead of actually working out.

It doesn’t just LOOK like Star Trek. According to Bowflex, this thing is adjustable. That means it can replace 34 dumbbells from 10 to 90 pounds. I bet there was at least one time this year when you were brainstorming things to do besides work out… and the idea of having 34 sets of dumbbells, all in different weights, probably occurred to you.

In fact, maybe you actually BOUGHT all those dumbbells.

WHOOPS! TIME FOR FRESH TACTICS. Time For The Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell. You idiot.

Now you’ve got the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell. You can make your first workout throwing out every other piece of exercise equipment you’ve ever purchased.

That’s not a feature, baby. That’s a benefit.

Other Benefits Of The Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell

I know what you’re asking right now – does the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell represent any kind of real value to your life? Well… of COURSE it does, what kind of question is that?

What’s wrong with you? Are you sick or something?

Yeah, I can imagine you going to the doctors office and saying “Doc, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I woke up this morning and I’m only 94% sure that the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell will get me bigger biceps in a more portable and convenient package…” and then the doctor goes “My God, I’ve never seen a madness like this before,” and puts you in an MRI machine…

And then they put that MRI machine inside AN EVEN BIGGER MRI machine.

And by then, they’re pretty close to writing you off as a lost cause, but the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell takes all comers. Lucky you, you crazy devil.

Comparing The Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell To Competitors

God, why even bother? I know there are other dumbbells on the market that do the same ting for less money. You think I don’t know that? I have this huge website where I review fitness equipment, okay? I know dumbbells like your Uncle Curtis knows the drunk tank in the back of the county jail.

Sorry. your Uncle Curtis is a sweet guy when he isn’t on the sauce.

Which is never.

Anyway, XMark has an adjustable set of dumbbells. But those dumbbells actually suck. They’re nothing compared to the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell. The XMark models have a max weight of 50 pounds (that’s like half the max weight of the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell) and allow you to adjust in increments of 10 pounds.

And look at how ugly those things are. And they’re loud too. They’re going to practically announce “Hey, Cheapskate Working Out Here” – and if you wanted that, you’d be in the gym. They’d never have these dumbbells on Star Trek. John Carter, maybe, but you need quality that won’t bomb at the box office.

Where To Buy The Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell

I’ve spent a lot of time looking for the best way to buy the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell.

I called Bowflex.

I called stores like Target.

I looked up thrift stores in your area. Yes, your area.

And I found that the cheapest and most convenient place in the world was Amazon.com.

Please, click the link below and buy the Bowflex Select Tech 1090 Dumbbell today.

Comments

    1. Author
      Micah Medina

      Thanks so much, Theodore. Blogging is supposed to be fun, and I don’t think it hurts to be goofy once in a while.

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